BETTER HOMES AND SANCTUMS: How to Boil an Egg

1) Fix the egg with an intense stare. Do not blink.

2) Intone under your breath "OIP TEAA PEDOCE"

3) Vigorously wave your fingers at the egg. The best gesture varies by height, altitude, and astrological sign (of the egg), so go through a few until you find something that starts emitting smoke.

4) Repeat (1) through (3). Allow your voice to slowly become louder. You'll know the egg is almost ready when you begin to sweat and tremble.

5) Sink (when no longer can you strive, though your tongue by bitten through with the effort and the blood gush from your nostrils) into the blackness of unconsciousness; and then, on coming to yourself, write down soberly and accurately a record of all that hath occurred, yea a record of all that hath occurred.

6) Peel and serve!